What is Nonviolent Communication

Most of us have been educated from birth to compete, judge, demand, and diagnose — to think and communicate in terms of what is “right“ and “wrong“ with people.  We express our feelings in terms of what another person has “done to us,” instead of taking responsibility for our feeling independent of another person.  We struggle to understand our own needs in the moment, or to effectively ask for what we want without using unhealthy demands, threats, or coercion.

At best, communicating and thinking this way can create misunderstanding and frustration. And still worse, it can lead to anger, depression, and even emotional or physical violence.

Since developing the Nonviolent Communication process in the 1960’s, Marshall Rosenberg’s vision has been to teach people of any age, gender, ethnicity or socioeconomic background a much more effective alternative, and in turn to transform relationships, conflict, and violence one interaction at a time. 

To date, more than 200 certified trainers and hundreds more teach NVC to more than 250,000 people in 35 countries on 5 continents every year.  Around the world, NVC has been adopted by Fortune 500 companies, government offices, schools, hospitals, university MBA and communication curriculum, community mediation centers, anger management programs, peace advocacy and social change advocates, inmate rehabilitation programs, and more.

NVC delineates four components of communication. Together they help create the kind of dialogue that can foster resolutions satisfying for everyone without painful compromise or sacrifice:

OBSERVATIONS free of evaluations

FEELINGS emotions, not thoughts

NEEDS, VALUES and longings

REQUESTS expressed clearly in positive action language, with willingness to hear a “NO”; frequently worded with words “Would you be willing to…?”

Here's an example of a mother wanting to “connect before correct”, talking with her child:

"When you leave the den all cluttered up like this I feel upset because I really need more order in my life. Would you be willing to help me straighten it up before dinner?"

"Aw, mom, you're always picking on me when I'm busy!"

"So when I asked you to help me clean, you felt mad because you need to complete what you're working on?"

"Yeah."

"So would you be willing to tell me when you're done, and then we can clean up together?"

The mother talks about her own reality using the four steps above, and also uses them when she empathizes (honestly guesses what's happening in her child's inner world), and looks for a solution that will satisfy both their needs.

Nonviolent Communication is one of those "simple but not easy" practices. It does take practice, but the rewards are quite dramatic. “I have seen conflicts evaporate (even without any action being taken on the substantive issues!) and people's perspectives on life change dramatically simply by having someone use NVC empathy to totally understand them so they really know they've been understood. It is a remarkable feeling -- a feeling so rare, the changes can be quite remarkable,” writes Tom Atlee of The Co-intelligence Institute.

For more information and to order materials:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nonviolent_Communication

http://www.nonviolentcommunication.com/aboutnvc/aboutnvc.htm

Center for Nonviolent Communication
PO Box 6384
Albuquerque, NM 87197

www.cnvc.org